What if?

I can't stop thinking about him.
He is welcome but he should not be.
I am confused - unable to understand my own motives,
reasons for writing the blizzard in my mind.
He is nice. He speaks of friendship as if it were necessary,
and relationships, unnecessary - a hassle.
I see in him moments of consideration - what if?
I see in him moments of consideration reflected from me.
Is it I who is asking, what if?
It is I who wants to try it out. Get the sensation
of doing wrong - the adrenaline of running away.
I welcome it - the childish woman who pulls me into an abyss,
of raw emotions - wrong emotions.
I know who you want me to be - but I am not her.
I do not - cannot - be her.

So goodbye darling, I must find someone new to lay at my side.
I must travel to a new world and discover its glory,
feed upon what it offers me. Sink my nails into its earth.
I must travel because attachments, I fear.
So goodbye darling, I must find someone new to welcome by sexual submissiveness.
It has been great darling. The moments of security, smiles of understanding and lips pursing for more.

But goodbye my dear.
I must runaway with these raw - wrong - emotions.
And find fragmented moments of peace.
It is all I deserve - all that I want.