He is Back.

He’s here again.

He follows me now.

I thought I got rid of him, I thought I figured out how to escape his faint but powerful grasp.

I’ve failed myself.

I thought I knew myself better than that.

But now I realize, I fooled myself all along – I am no better than I was before.

I am still sad.

I thought that if I didn’t involve myself in relationships I could figure out why so many of them had gone wrong. I believed it was the false terms under which my previous relationships occurred that made me want to run in the other direction, only a few weeks in. But now I find myself back to where I’ve tried so hard to run from. The sadness that finds it’s way into a perfect situation. The sadness I wish I could control and ward off with a bright smile. But I can’t. I keep trying to blame everyone but myself. “Why are you doing this to me?” But it's no one’s fault. I’d like to blame myself, but I don’t know what is wrong. “What’s the problem?” I’m angry because I really believed I was in control. But then he comes back. The faint shadow, enveloping me in his grief and making me suffer too. He has not sympathy for me! He doesn’t understand how he affects me – how he drives me into the ground.

Well this is what happened…

I was walking home and He came. He just decided that He wanted to make this walk hell for me. He made me let go of his hand. He made me keep silent and yell screams of annoyance in my head. “Can’t you leave? I can walk there on my own.” He wanted me to tell him to go away, to stay away. “It’s been fun. But our time together has run out.” He wanted me to make him feel insignificant. He wanted to blame him for my sadness and loneliness. But it wasn’t his fault. It’s no one’s fault.

So I’m fighting him. I’m digging my bloody nails into the grounds moist dirt. I’m fighting my way back to indifference (it’s the most realistic state I can achieve at the moment).

But my thoughts always betray me. They give into him. My body can do nothing but follow my thoughts back into the ground. I just hope it doesn’t rain tonight.