The Common Cellar of Cries

A commonality, in which we can't live with out.
A need that we so desperately seek to fulfill.
The cause of an effect we fantasize.

A tear I let escape.
The quick twist of my neck, to hide my weakness.
But as the trees and cars blur their way past me,
my reflection does not smear with speed,
it stays poise and searches my face for a reason...

Why is it you cry Cristina?
i don't know.
Are you sad?
no.
Are you scared?
no.
Are you lonely?
no.

Are you happy?
no.

My reflections blurs, and a cool sensation holds tight onto my lower lids.
My feelings cannot be placed into the ambiguousness of words, or images i could describe.
But i will try...

I cried because...

Finally I was standing in a dark, cold cellar - with someone else.
Two souls, so unsure of what lay ahead of them, but so sure of finding their dreams.
Me and him - trees of the changing seasons,
at moments blanketed in lush, vivid emotions but more so,
left bare, naked, desperate for warmth.

I cried not because i was lonely, and that i found someone...
I cried because finally someone trusted me enough to stand by them in their cellar.

Keys Playing my Escape

Here's an idea - let's escape.
just me and you.

Let's open the door, watch as another world is revealed to us,
one we have yet to discover, explore, enjoy.
We'll stare at the floral wallpaper, gleaming in the moonlight - so late at night.
I'll stand behind him and peer beneath his lengthened arm drawing the door wider and wider.
I'll see the chestnut dresser and think,
tonight my clothes will not be folded and guarded by its walls,
they will lay sporadic, loose on the floor.
What's the floor like?
I'll look down and see a dark, stained carpet - who walked upon it? what were they like? what were the expecting of the night?

What will it be like to finally close my eyes, and sway to my own rhythm? What will be like to lift my arms in the air and dance slowly upon that stained floor? I will dance.
And I'll think of nothing,
but me dancing.
How it feels...
how my body flows over the piano keys,
how i reach on my tiptoes as the notes fly into the stale air,
how all my energy is concentrated on letting go.



That's my escape.
Would you come?

What if?

I can't stop thinking about him.
He is welcome but he should not be.
I am confused - unable to understand my own motives,
reasons for writing the blizzard in my mind.
He is nice. He speaks of friendship as if it were necessary,
and relationships, unnecessary - a hassle.
I see in him moments of consideration - what if?
I see in him moments of consideration reflected from me.
Is it I who is asking, what if?
It is I who wants to try it out. Get the sensation
of doing wrong - the adrenaline of running away.
I welcome it - the childish woman who pulls me into an abyss,
of raw emotions - wrong emotions.
I know who you want me to be - but I am not her.
I do not - cannot - be her.

So goodbye darling, I must find someone new to lay at my side.
I must travel to a new world and discover its glory,
feed upon what it offers me. Sink my nails into its earth.
I must travel because attachments, I fear.
So goodbye darling, I must find someone new to welcome by sexual submissiveness.
It has been great darling. The moments of security, smiles of understanding and lips pursing for more.

But goodbye my dear.
I must runaway with these raw - wrong - emotions.
And find fragmented moments of peace.
It is all I deserve - all that I want.

I always thought that I'd be better off if i isolated every part of my life - never let them bleed into one another.

Now I realize, that we're better off holding everything we care about in one hand, rather than reaching in mid air for each one individually.

What do you know?

Which is better?

To be ignorant as a result of knowing?
Or
To be ignorant as a result of not knowing?

Blah Blah Blah.

He is Back.

He’s here again.

He follows me now.

I thought I got rid of him, I thought I figured out how to escape his faint but powerful grasp.

I’ve failed myself.

I thought I knew myself better than that.

But now I realize, I fooled myself all along – I am no better than I was before.

I am still sad.

I thought that if I didn’t involve myself in relationships I could figure out why so many of them had gone wrong. I believed it was the false terms under which my previous relationships occurred that made me want to run in the other direction, only a few weeks in. But now I find myself back to where I’ve tried so hard to run from. The sadness that finds it’s way into a perfect situation. The sadness I wish I could control and ward off with a bright smile. But I can’t. I keep trying to blame everyone but myself. “Why are you doing this to me?” But it's no one’s fault. I’d like to blame myself, but I don’t know what is wrong. “What’s the problem?” I’m angry because I really believed I was in control. But then he comes back. The faint shadow, enveloping me in his grief and making me suffer too. He has not sympathy for me! He doesn’t understand how he affects me – how he drives me into the ground.

Well this is what happened…

I was walking home and He came. He just decided that He wanted to make this walk hell for me. He made me let go of his hand. He made me keep silent and yell screams of annoyance in my head. “Can’t you leave? I can walk there on my own.” He wanted me to tell him to go away, to stay away. “It’s been fun. But our time together has run out.” He wanted me to make him feel insignificant. He wanted to blame him for my sadness and loneliness. But it wasn’t his fault. It’s no one’s fault.

So I’m fighting him. I’m digging my bloody nails into the grounds moist dirt. I’m fighting my way back to indifference (it’s the most realistic state I can achieve at the moment).

But my thoughts always betray me. They give into him. My body can do nothing but follow my thoughts back into the ground. I just hope it doesn’t rain tonight.