She doesn’t understand why she still feels for this man.
She had once ‘fallin’ in love’ with a man, many years ago. But she no longer cares for that man. His time has run out, the feeling will never return. But this man, that she spend her time with on rare occasions – one night of undeniable bliss. Unforgettable delight. Why has he abandoned her? Left her to wonder what went wrong, how things could have turned out different? But as she continues to replay the night within her mind she is convinced that nothing went wrong, there was nothing she would change, nothing she regretted. And yet there was nothing made of this unforgettable night. She fears that because there is no future she may forget with the time and the tedious tasks that everyday brings.
She is confused. What is it that keeps us attached? She asks herself. She would have answered routine at one point and maybe even love, but she is unsure now. He wasn’t a routine, nor did she love him, then why is it that she lays in her darkened room and wonder what could’ve been? Why is he bringing her to delirious emotions, deepened like the buttons of a tufted sofa.
He lives so close to her, she imagines him right by her side – but he is far and indistinguishable.
…
Fuck him. Fuck everything about him, his desirability, his mystery, his stupidity and unpredictability. Fuck him. I just don’t understand. Let me understand, help me. I drink bottles of wine hoping to come to some realization, to figure out something I have missed all along – I figure out nothing but instead reassure myself that I’ve fallen head over heals for you. I think we could have learned so much together, experienced so much – but our time was cut short because of you. I’m sure there is a good explanation – or at least I hope there is one.
God! I want to understand. My heart has never really been broken, even in situation I though that it would – it held strong. The feeling mustn’t have been there all along I guess. But my feelings have been hurt, for whatever reason. Just knowing that you could have hurt me, doesn’t make you feel anything? Not the need to explain? The need to make it up? Anything?
How are you so satisfied one moment and then not the next? How do you make me feel like the only one and then take it away so selfishly? Why have you but me in this position, a seat in a dark room filled with contemporary rhythm?
I want to leave both feet from the ground, while the piano plays a solemn tune, and jump into your arms, safe and guarded – where I’d feel safe and guarded. Where is this peace, this serenity? Where is the place I want to call mine? Why have you taken it from me? Don’t I have a right to it to? Can’t I claim it as well?
My arms are convinced that they must envelop you, contain you – but my mind finds fault in this idea. What will I envelope? A fantasy? A chance that could have been reality? But if it is not reality, then why imagine it? It doesn’t hurt, but it feels empty – my heart. Fuck!
I really thought…. I did…. I really thought… we could be… together finally. But I soar into empty arms with only the obligation to catch me, but not to protect me… and not to…
I’d like to hope for the better but I know that I’d receive nothing that I don’t already have…
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