“I love you”
For so many it’s the ultimate feeling, eternal bliss.
For others it is comfort, responsibility.
For me… I’m not quite sure.
There are moments I have, while he’s speaking to me and my mind wanders to think of how much he means to me.
There are moments where I am proud of him, like when his friends congratulate him or laugh at his jokes.
These are the moments I want to scream “I LOVE YOU!”
These are the moments I want these words to be released from my mind,
Because I’m so tired of them causing confusion in my mind.
But my mouth never recites those words.
I’m not sure that it will allow me to – for a while to come.
Because I don’t want it to be said without care, without passion, or as merely a need to reciprocate.
I want it to mean something to me – it should stand as a stone marking a new path, a new level of entry…
What I want it to mean is also my fear of every saying it.
I have constructed this idea of “loving,” and although it is not the most positive – there is truth in it somewhere (for all those commitment phoebes, at least).
The words “I love you” are means to building a concrete wall to the freedom once had in the relationship. Because before they are said, it seems as though you can leave the relationship whenever and no feelings will be hurt. Maybe its my impression that there will be a smaller degree of hurt feelings – nevertheless, you can always say it wasn’t serious, “we didn’t say I love you”.
This theory, of course, is absurd because merely saying the words does not mean that you don’t or do have the feelings or the emotions.
But wouldn’t you agree it’s easier to let go of something if there is no concrete evidence of it ever existing?
Once the words have been said, the relationship starts anew – it’s more cautious, careful because the consequences are more severe.
I’m not entirely sure if I’m concerned more with my feelings or his…
1 comment:
The confusion of “love” concept is a living spider, and the thinking put into such an idea is food that feeds the creature to allow further construction of the web weaved between you and your partner. The spider does not attempt to define the “web” it is weaving, nor does it try to find its creator, being thankful to life, it is simply keeping itself busy and fattening up as energy continues to flow in a form of a mere human thought.
I don’t think it matters if you can define love or not, or whether or not your partner is aware of his own idea of love. You can try to define it and get you both agree on it for comfort reasons, but an agreement is nothing but a mere thought, an idea that is subject to change as life taking its course.
Human beings regenerate their bodies and minds entirely every 7 years and experience a multiple new selves throughout their lifetime. Some cling to their old habits, some let go and evolve.
And the concept of forever love therefore is alien and absolutely illogical, it’s an artificial ideal created out of fear of solitude and the biological inheritance of reproductive function.
As humans on the path of evolution we are solitary creatures, venturing and experiencing life as we age and transform. And it is a choice of an individual to either accept the free flow of changing energy or to cling to old comforts of tradition and biological continuity – like a fish accepting its destiny as an ocean occupant waiting to lay its eggs and die off when time comes.
Silent love is no different than a highly conceptualized sacred definition of union in my opinion; it is fuelled by the same energy and sustained by the same cosmic spider who knows its jobs as a web keeper.
The fears of broken promises are legitimate because the ties are indisputable, it takes a sharp sword and a fair bit of violence to cut open spider’s belly full of precious energy, memories and hopes of a life sustaining relationship.
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